Baby no 2

I’m not going to lie. Finding out that baby number 2 is on the way fills me with terror: sheer, impenetrable terror.

Period was late. I had my suspicions. We were half ready, but seeing that line appear in the pregnant box was such an incredibly different experience to seeing it with my first.

With my first, I was so elated. I felt invincible, running downstairs at lightning speed and into the arms of my husband, who was eagerly awaiting the result of the test. We cried and screamed excitedly and then we got into bed with a brew and talked for hours about how on earth we’d tell our friends and family. We conjured up exciting ways to announce the news, in order to give them an extra-special surprise. We imagined the tears or joy they’d all shed. The awesome excitement of entering this unknown world with my partner was thrilling, life changing.

The emotions I feel with this pregnancy test, however, are so markedly opposite to the first.

Initially, I gasped, then I sat staring at it for what seemed like an age, making sure I wasn’t seeing things, or reading the test wrong.

It may sound silly, but after I’d finished staring at the second test, I felt nervous to tell my husband, who I could hear downstairs was very much flagging from entertaining our toddler all day. I could imagine the exhausted expression on his face, highlighted by the many silver hairs that have graced him since our toddler’s arrival.

With a very deep breath, I walked downstairs and handed him the test.

The conversation that followed was interspersed with lines such as, ‘we don’t do that,’ and ‘I said, don’t do that,’ so it didn’t feel special or congratulatory in anyway. I don’t blame him. We are both too tired to judge each other.

After we’d got our LO in to bed, we collapsed on the sofa and talked, not with tears of joy or screams of elation, but with a realisation of the mammoth couple of years that we know we both now face.

I know we’ll make it; I know it. But the road ahead fills me with a nervous unease and anxious dread.

Am I happy? Yes, of course I am. Am I terrified? Damn right I am.